Electro-magnetic pendulum bridge wreaks havoc

New York Port Authority officials were hesitant to discuss the $6.7 million George Washington Bridge renovation project which was completed today, other than remarking "...we thought it would be something different."

Plans for the renovation, which originally included greater span support, were radically overhauled with the insertion of a 110 ft. Electromagnetic Pendulum. The device is apparently intended to latch on to the metal roofs of cars crossing the bridge, lift them 900 ft. above the surface of the Hudson River, and then... sweet release.

Bridge and Tunnel Commission projections estimate the vehicle de-bridging capabilities of the Pendulum at roughly 50,000 cars and trucks a week, or 2.6 million per year. When confronted with the fact that his newly renovated bridge has immediately begun to produce an annual tally of at least 5 million fatalities, Port Authority Director Robert Boyle quickly abandoned his stance that the Pendulum could become an endearing landmark, and claimed that he had been duped by a rogue contracting firm.

"They presented us with a reasonable estimate, solid planning and budgeting... but we asked halfway through about inspection dates, and they told us we should probably just wait until they were finished. Something about 'a masterstroke in the tradition of treachery and carnage,' whatever that means. Anyway, so we trusted them, and now we got a fucking Magnet Bridge on our hands killing twenty-five people an hour."

The contracting firm, Electro-Magnetic Pendulum Bridges, Ltd., of Knifetown, Ultraville, refused to comment on the issue. They did, however, release the following statement:

Our organization is committed to setting the standard for Electromagnetic Pendulum Bridges worldwide. We stand by the quality and workmanship of our pendulums, as well as their potential to deal wantonly in the dark art of death.

E.M.P.B. suggests that you personally experience our renovations to the George Washington bridge before resorting to their summary condemnation. And if, by chance, you aren't plunged into the icy deep of the Hudson River, why not give it
another go?

 

     
 

Hugging: Lots of fun!
(unless what you're
hugging is red-hot.)


Experts today revealed a hug that has rapidly gained unanimous support among the cuddling community as "The Nicest Hug Ever."

The two hug participants pictured at left were "...immersed in an entirely platonic expression of shared personal mirth," commented one hugging mogul, whose long inviting arms, and soft down sweater soon after enticed a fellow enthusiast into a 45 minute hug with partial stroking of the back occurring around minute 23.

The "Nicest Hug" decision came as no surprise to Betsy Quarrels, whose famous "double arm shoulder hug" electrified young postwar huggers of the 1950's. "I've never seen such devotion to form, composition, structure, and sentiment," Swarrel commented, making reference to her authoritarian Four Step Affection Mandate of 1954. "These youngsters aren't afraid of a little hard work," said Swarrel, making what many considered a thinly veiled swipe against the controversial "one arm grasp," popular in today's hugging culture.

While statistics show that the hug has been on a conspicuous decline of late, the "Nicest Hug" announcement is being heralded as a rallying cry to all those seeking to promote a populist revival of non-sexual physical affection.

Exclaimed one activist, "We gotta light a fire under these people, tell 'em to get out there and fuckin' hug the sweet shit outta somebody. When we hug, we gotta stop letting go. Yeah, I'm talking about two and three week hugs. Hard huggin,' mean huggin'-- huggin' and bitin,' the kind of huggin that says "You know what? You are a terrific person! I mean that! And, as a gesture of my radicalist devotion to your value as a person, I am going to forcefully dig my chin into your neck and shoulder until you become unconscious."


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