"Holy sweet Christ
was Ronnie a hot slut,"
gushed Gallagher

Beltway gossip wonks were shocked and bemused today by revelations centering on slapstick comic Gallagher. According to a published report, Gallagher was for many years the "mischievous butt-buddy" of former President Ronald Reagan. The Glagg Institute, an Ultraville-based think-tank, announced the findings as part of a 48 month, $7.5 million "comprehensive investigation" of the background, behavioral practices, social interactions, purchasing habits, and personal sexual philosophy of Gallagher.

Previous studies seemed to indicate that Gallagher was simply "a hilarious melon-smashing wing-nut." Researchers from Glagg, however, feel they have assembled "substantive, ineluctable, and obdurate" proof that Gallagher is in fact "a recklessly gorgeous fairy boy." Primary evidence was derived from Gallagher's systematic use of tight pants, sailor shirts, long, unkempt hair, and comic props that are "sumptuously phallic." And also that completely unbelievable picture at left which we assure you is completely real.

Aside from finding that Gallagher's overt homo-eroticism is "highly, highly intriguing," the Glagg Report went on to unveil some surprising facets of Gallagher's steamy "friendship" with Former President Ronald Reagan.

Having briefly met at a Screen Actor's Guild convention in Tampa, Reagan apparently developed a deep and purely sexual fascination with the fruit-smashing funnyman. Reagan orchestrated their first private meeting in the midst of the Sino-Mexican War of 1983. Secret Service agents escorted Gallagher to Camp David, carefully supervised a romantic sylvan horseback ride, and then masturbated furiously as Gallagher gave Reagan "an unmerciful bare back rough and tumble rump ride of epic proportions."

Transfixed by his first foray into homosexuality, Reagan began to invite Gallagher to the Oval Office with increasing frequency. The former President often found himself on his knees, repeatedly begging to be penetrated while matters of state lay in the balance. Gallagher certainly wasn't one to refuse, and wielded his inflated member with the might and mastery of a true head of state.

It was at this point in their relationship that Reagan's policy decisions became increasingly influenced, and eventually dominated by Gallagher's council. Reagan's famous "Evil Empire" quote, often mistakenly attributed to a fundamental moral and political disjunction between the United States and the Former Soviet Union, was in fact a pet name for Gallagher's vast collection of molded plastic dildos. While the Reagan family has remained quiet on the Glagg Report, Gallagher has been quite effusive in his ruminations on the matter:

 

"Holy sweet Christ was Ronnie a hot slut," gushed the comic.

"I remember one night... inauguration, 1984. We had just shot through about an eighth and half of powder, and I was like jacked, and really reaming Ronnie. Just giving him the time of fuckin' day. But then, like out of nowhere, comes former President Gerald Ford. I mean- Ronnie and I exchanged a quick look, and we knew what had to happen. So we double up on Ford! And it's just like... man, what a presidential deluge of cock!"
 

 
 
 
This hard rockin' falcon's got it bad for the highly intelligent MetaOwl!

Did you hear? The big falcon's finally getting hitched, and the bride-to-be is none other than the highly intelligent MetaOwl-- star of "Clash of the Titans!"

With a beak and feathers forged from magical space-age alloys, the handsome MetaOwl makes a perfect match for hard rocking Kkralkkun, who notoriously likes his his talons sharp, and his owls metallic.

Kkralkkun, just coming off the release of his Ultraville chart-blasting single "Impossible Snake," has devoted all of his bird attention to planning for the big day. Rumor has it that the ceremony will be airborne, and performed by the eminent Bald Eagle Magistrate Stratus 5, whose mighty plumage last graced the raucous coupling of dimwitted Hollywood hunk Brendon Fraser and the reanimated corpse of Diana, Princess of Wales. What a fuckin' show that was!

While the guest list has so far remained a carefully guarded secret, expectations are that an unholy tribe of Molepeople will compose most of Kkralkkun's party, while the MetaOwl is leaning towards anyone who has ever played hard-hitting Nebraska Huskers football, and/or appeared in the cast of 7-time Tony Award-winning Broadway musical "The Lion King."

 

The handsome couple met, apparently, amidst the rambling power lines high above Ultraville Freeway #5. MetaOwl was attracted to the fierce intensity of Kkralkkun's lyrics and flying style, while Kkralkkun just couldn't resist Meta-Owl's shiny silver feathers and her ability to track, capture and consume metallo-mice by night.

While celebrity weddings aren't really his style, Kkralkkun did announce plans to carve up the face of NBC's Today Show host Matt Lauer, in an upcoming interview. "I'm trying to keep my claws on the ground through this whole thing, you know?" quipped the well-known falcon. "But I'm thinking, right after the interview starts, I'm going right after Lauer's eyes with my needle-like beak. And after that, it'll just be talons to the neck. Same old story, really."

That may be so, but this wedding is sure to be anything but ordinary! Congratulations Kkralkkun-- can't wait to see some little chicks flying around, tearing up the place just like their dear old dad!