Gore: he's the guy that loves big asses!

In his strangest campaign move to date, Vice President Al Gore announced what would be an "exciting and integral component of the Gore presidency."

If elected, Gore promises inspired renovations to the White House, transforming the existing South Face into a 45-foot contoured replica of a human buttox, munchible style.

The presidential hopeful voiced his plans from the Rose Garden, heralding "a double cheeked monument to the long standing commitment of the Executive Branch to the service and welfare of knavish Jews. And by that I mean the American people. That last part shouldn't have been said publicly. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my Jewish brethren, and I assure you that none of my Jewish friends, not one, is a foul-toothed assassin of Christ. Wow. Anyway... so should we get back to this whole Ass House / White House thing, or should I just shut my yapper?"

 

Despite making an irrecoverable political blunder with the "knavish Jew" comment, Gore went on to defend his ass-house proposal as "the only way to show those dirty foreign ambassadors slinking around town what we Americans are really all about. Which is big, oversized asses."
 

 
     
 
 
Mumm-Ra's often underrated
"brain beams" permit mind control.
Touch this picture to see them at work!

Mumm-Ra, a paragon of evil and three time Republican councilman from far-away Castle Plundarr on the planet Thundera, was sworn in yesterday as first selectman of Ultraville.

Ever the zombified mummyman, the eight foot tall Mumm-Ra stood straight and proud as he took his sacred oath of office, and then returned to his "eternal" sleep. In fact, the new Selectman has been beaming with pride and "brain beams" since his November annihilation of incumbent Thunder-crat Lion-O.

Mumm-Ra has credited his new agenda of "compassionate conservatism" with turning the popular tide so dramatically in his favor. "When we started this campaign, we knew the citizens of Ultraville didn't want four more years of Lion-O taxing them to death," the cagey mummy-man stated, "And I think they really underestimated our campaign platforms, which are aimed at putting people on welfare back to work, and... ARRRGHHHH... destroying those no-good Thundercats!!!"

The campaign that pitted Lion-O against Mumm-Ra will long be remembered as one of the nastiest in Ultraville political lore. Both candidates came out swinging like two heavyweights with a bad history. The Republican challenger ambushed Lion-O with evidence of fraudulent business trips and unaccounted for tax money, while the incumbent charged that his opponent was "quite simply a hideous undead man-beast with unnatural evil powers" and "clearly not of this earth… clearly… am I the only one who sees this?"

 

Despite these frequent attacks on his integrity, Mumm-Ra managed a decisive victory over the Thundercat. Shortly after he was sworn in, Mumm-Ra announced his new cabinet which will include Vultureman as Vice-Alderman and Jackalman as Treasurer.

The selection of Chief of Staff brought no surprise,
as Mumm-Ra selected his friend and longtime minion Monkian, from the esteemed lawfirm of Monkian, Monkian, and Slithe.



 
 
Magestic, yes.
But do they loose thunderous
bolts from on high?
Not if Mighty Zeus has
anything to say about it.

It's in! Ultraville Town Hall was swamped last night with eager voters quarreling over the majesty of these Trumpeter Swans. Are they unique possessors of a certain noble beauty? Um... duh! Tell me something I don't know!

Heated discussions, tears, and poignant haikus lasted late into the night before the ballots were finally cast early this morning.

And guess what? Tough shittycakes, baby, 'cuz the vote was 18 to boo-hoo-hoo-zero, you little baby bitch! These swans are soooooo fucking majestic!
How does it feel to lose another one, sweetheart?

 

You must like crying like a 260 lb. pussy machine, 'cuz that's what your daddy called you just before I razored off his nuts, flambayed them in a delicate mandarin glaze, dressed them with succulent stuffed shells amid six sprigs of Norwegian iceberg lettuce, and served them to the spawn of your re-animated grandfather and the spritely man-god Pan. Together their love would change the fabric of a nation, and cripple the obdurate grasp of Mighty Zeus, King of Thunder!

But fuck all that-- swans are so fucking awesome! Am I right?!?! I mean, come on! Are you with me? Seriously, forget about all that weird zeus stuff I just said. Are we on the same page as far as this swan thing goes? 'Cuz I didn't see you there last night, and you promised you were gonna vote for the majesty of swans. What? You never said that? Well, OK, I guess that's cool too. Look, I really gotta go. Can you keep an eye on these swans for me?