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| Tiny pieces
of sharp wood mean a bear market. |
America Online, in its relentless quest to assure a profitable
existence in the rapidly changing online world, announced today
that they were making plans to acquire yet another hot young internet
business. The company in question is "SplinterNet," a
pioneer in the rapidly expanding field of electronic pain, or "e-pain."
AOL President Steve Forbes says he hopes the merger "will give
our customers an unprecedented ability to hurt each other-- electronically.
This e-pain thing has never been done before, and AOL is proud to
support it from the beginning."
Similar to the popular "instant messaging" software,
SplinterNet allows users to send splinters online to other Splinter-Netizens,
instantly.
"Before the SplinterNet, you needed to actually come into contact
with wood to get splinters," explained Hondo Rumtek, the young
and dynamic CEO of SplinterNet. "You might get a little one
in your foot, or hand, or ass. But we've created a world of instant
splinters--without the hassle of having to actually rub your flesh
against a dry piece of wood! You can send deep painful splinters
that require surgery to remove, or little tiny ones that just itch
and burn for a few days. You control size, depth, and angle... the
pain possibilities are endless. Welcome to the future of hurt!"
Listed on the NASDAQ as SPLNTNT, trading was heavy as the stock's
shares soared to 164 1/2, split to 82 1/4, then almost instantly
recombined and dropped to 5 8/9.
"With all the SplinterNet trading going on, and all the subsequent
splinters being sent, the whole stock exchange just wreaked of creams
and ointments," said one broker. "Neosporin, bactine...
it was like a goddamn hospital! And when the shares split, suddenly
everyone who held stock had twice as many splinters! Last time I
heard that much screaming on the trading floor, Greenspan was giving
a drunken press conference wearing 50 cent piece pasties and his
wrinkly old harrier tucked between his legs."
Critics of the SplinterNet boom feel that the stock is overvalued.
"If investors would come to their senses, they would realize that
they really don't want all those splinters. Why? Because splinters
tend to be quite painful", said Klemens Lothar, of Goldman Sachs.
"I'm not not some knee-jerk critic. I was raised in a treehouse.
I've gotten splinter wounds, infections, and even scars. In fact,
when I was a kid, four tiny pieces of poplar sunk under my skin
and formed what I swear to this day was a perfect trapezoid. Absolutely
fucking amazing. Anyway, I don't see what the hype is all about."
After his pronouncement, Lothar quickly retired to a bed of spun
fiberglass. But the trend in excruciating and hard-to-remove electronic
splinters may be more difficult to put to rest. Already, SplinterNet
is buckling down for some bruising competition with similarly savvy
startups, like "CrampWeb," "e-AbdominalGunshotWound,"
and "virtual_beardpull.com." Whether or not SplinterNet stabs
out the competition remains to be seen, but one thing's for sure:
the internet faithful are in for a brand new world of e-hurt!
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